Powerful empathic listening is what the world most needs right now. But for those who excel in this listening style, there can be significant downsides.
Maya loved her job as a residence social worker at Harper Community. She is an empathic listener, and appeared, for a long time, to have an inexhaustible supply of patience with a troubled clientele. But the state funding that supported her position fell to the last round of budget cuts, and now Maya needs to look for another job. Although she would never admit it, she was getting burnt out in her position with Harper, and the news of her layoff came with just a little bit of relief. She’s at a critical juncture in her professional life; she knows she can get another social work position, perhaps with a larger, more fortified institution. Or . . . she could begin searching for something completely different.
The Classic Heart Listener
Within the Head, Heart & Hands listening model I outline in my book, Maya would qualify as a primary modality Heart listener. She has a reputation for making friends with anyone, and people trust her from their first encounter. But she has begun to experience a significant down- side of applying her Heart listening skill so prominently in her career path – namely the struggles Heart listeners often have in setting boundaries and prioritizing their own needs. For the last seven years, Maya has so completely poured herself into her position with Harper Community that she has little focus, time, or attention for much else. She doesn’t date, she has no children or even a pet, and she continually struggles financially. She has managed, however, to maintain strong friendships, what social scientists term “social capital”,which will prove to be a valuable resource. Because she builds rapport quickly and is possessed of a steady countenance and an empathic quality that builds trust, her friend Denise believes that Maya just might be a terrific sales person in the company she herself works for – ScholasticSource Servicing, Inc.
Wait…What??
Maya has never imagined herself a sales person – let alone someone who can grasp the intricacies of the multiple software applications used in colleges across the globe. When Denise suggests it over lunch, Maya thinks she’s joking.
“Oh c’mon girl. I could never wrap my head around all that tech stuff, let alone sell other people on it!”
But Denise is ready for this pushback.
“You’ve been working on other people’s problems for a long time. You’ve built a skillset that you probably think only applies to social work. But Maya, you use computer systems every day to keep track of clients – right? It’s the same principle used in tracking sales prospects. And remember last year, when Harper completely re-did their entire IT system? You were the one who taught the others how to use the new software – right?”
“Well, I guess so.” Maya admitted. “But it took me a long time to grasp it myself.”
“The point is, you did grasp it, enough to teach others.” Denise continued, “And as your friend, I need to encourage you to use those same teaching skills and develop a few more so that you can take better care of your own life for a change!”
Maya was surprised by her friend’s forthright assessment of her skills, along with the tiny flame of excitement that just ignited inside her. But Denise’s challenge also made her gulp. Could she really learn a whole new skillset that would apply to sales? She might have to reassess her outdated, “used-car-salesman” assumptions about salespeople. She might have to start redefining the way she thinks of herself, and she will need to begin learning to listen in a whole new way.
Have you found yourself in Maya’s position?
I know I have – on multiple occasions. It’s scary and uncomfortable. Clients in white-collar professions often take their job titles for granted. But when a position is suddenly snatched out from under them, their world tilts sideways and does a face plant on the floor. Additionally, the occupations that sustain clients, particularly positions they have had for a long time, often utilize a limited number of skillsets and require specific listening styles over others. Maya can rely on her ability to connect with people quickly and easily, as well as her capacity to listen deeply and make clients feel heard. But she will also need to begin using more of her Head listening to grasp and retain information critical to a new position. Can she do it? Will she even want to?
When Maya came to me for help, she was trying to discern her next steps…and she had just had her conversation with her friend Denise.
“I know I need to find something soon. But I don’t want to make the wrong choice!” The struggle of weighing where to put her focus and energy now was written all over her lovely face.
Maya’s Plan
My work with Maya was to encourage her to give herself permission to take the time she needed to put her Heart listening skills to use to serve herself. Our work together was increasingly focused on mindfulness techniques to slow down the voices of panic in her head so that she could uncover and tune in to her own internal promptings toward a new professional focus. In addition, we would work to strengthen the Positive Intelligence framework of the five Sage qualities: Empathy, Explore, Innovate, Navigate, and Action This was the general strategy that guided our work over the next three months.
One day Maya came into our session looking as if she were unusually distracted. She said she was feeling very nervous, but I could tell there was something else brimming up from under the tension. She had just had her discussion with Denise, and she shared with me the specifics of her friend’s suggestion.
“I don’t know if I can make a change like that – it feels overwhelming!” she blurted out, but she was also laughing.
“Maya, those feelings are totally appropriate and understandable.” I offered as she sat down. “But I’m curious as to why you were laughing as you spoke about them just now . . .”
Maya stopped and raised her chin as she looked out the window. “I guess maybe I am just a little bit excited about the possibility.” I opened my mouth to encourage her and she held up her hands and looked me straight in the eye with one raised eyebrow. “Just a little excited.” I smiled. She would not be rushed into anything. She would use her Heart listening skill to tune in to her own inner truth before making any decision. I knew in that moment that Maya was going to be just fine.
Coach Questions for you to Consider…
- In facing personal or professional change, what particular “status quo bias” do you typically struggle with? How might these biases be reinforced by your own listening habits?
- Reinvention can pos challenges for many of us. Maya had social support and the Heart listening ability to tune in to people and create trust. What elements do you think need to be in place for you to be able to reinvent yourself professionally?
- Our natural tendency to listen for reinforcement of what we already know – a kind of status quo bias – can get in the way of building a new self-definition. What new ways of listening would you have to access in order to make the change you desire?
Curious about your own listening habits and how they might impact your experience? My book Head Heart & Hands Listening in Coach Practice is now available on Amazon!