A few years ago, when my daughter was in her gap year between high school and college, she and I went out to lunch. She had been accepted into the college she very much wanted to attend, and they had signed off on her delayed start. So as far as I knew, when I sat down to soup and salad at our favorite lunch spot, she was all set with her plans. Then she made an announcement.
“Mom, I’m not sure I’m going to go to college.”
My fork froze midway to my mouth. I cleared my throat and managed to ask “How come?”
“Well” she took a deep breath. “I already have over 5,000 followers on my blog and I won’t be able to continue with that if I go to school.”
My turn to take a deep breath. It took every ounce of self control I had not to start screaming “What the *&#%@ are talking about?!?!?” “Of course you’re going to school!! What’s the MATTER with you??” ETC.
Instead, I concentrated on the only thing I could control at that time – Just Eat The Soup. Spoonful by spoonful.
Now, because I had created some space for myself before reacting, I had what I call a “Good Mom Moment”.
“Okay” I started. “I know that you are doing well with your blogging, and that you’ve been product posting for some companies too.”
This was true. Every week or so we would come home to boxes of strange products in the driveway: smoothie mix, jewelry, pumpkin spice gummies (?).
“But here’s the thing. I also know you are a social person. And sitting alone in your room in front of a computer for hours at a time is not really building satisfying connections for you. Right? It’s not the same as making real friends.” She heard me. We continued our lunch.
Three hours later she called me at work. “I guess I’ll go to school after all.” And then, grudgingly, “Thanks mom.”
What just happened here?
This was a high stakes conversation for my daughter and me, so my response to her feelings about college was really important.
I had to…
STOP my initial reaction. This is difficult for many of us to do. At this time in our culture, very few of us are good at self-editing and stuffing our feelings, particularly with loved ones. But I did stop. I remember taking a deep breath to quell my initial negative reaction.
Then I had to…
DROP into an activity that would ease the anxiety her announcement caused. This can take many different forms. In the Positive Intelligence model, this is where the PQ reps come in handy – rubbing two fingers together with such attention that you become aware of the ridges on your fingertips.
For me, at that time, I had the soup in front of me and that’s what I focused on. I broke down the act of eating soup into its simplest parts: scoop, raise the spoon to my mouth, pour it into my mouth without spillage. This action helped me create space so that I could better…
ROLL with my daughter’s reasons for questioning the original college plan. I could…
LISTEN to her from a calmer space so that I could then…
RESPOND with some salient information about her desire for richer friendships.
I wish I could claim that from that day forward, I employ that strategy whenever these tense exchanges take place. But I’m a flawed human being, so I can’t claim that. However, this single success taught me the value of first taking a deep breath before responding, so that I can avoid fanning the flames of conflict, and hopefully, plant a few seeds that will sprout into better outcomes. Remembering to do this is part of my own life’s work.
If you’re in a “Listening profession”, and suspect you could listen a bit better, check out my book: Head, Heart & Hands Listening in Coach Practice, currently available through Routledge Publishing at 20% off! Use the QR Code below to order directly from Routledge.
