Sam sits in front of me shaking his head. His shoulders are hunched in frustration. His mouth is a tight line, his eyes are closed.
“I just can’t accept this. I’m sorry, but there’s no way. The math just doesn’t work.”
Sam is a third year medical student in a large teaching hospital. He is skilled, dedicated and under pressure, as so many practitioners are, to interview patients, correctly diagnose their presenting issues, and offer a treatment plan – all within 20 minutes time.
I’ve just given him feedback on his problematic listening skills, and his lack of expressed empathy. His pushback? It’s classic and it’s understandable. “I don’t have time!”
New Research
In fact, a recent study of over 1,400 adults with chronic lower back pain reveals that doctors who took the time to listen deeply to a patient’s experience and express sincere empathy, had much better patient outcomes than those who expressed only slight empathy. In fact, when the 12 month study was over, researchers concluded that sincere expressions of empathy as a result of effective listening had a greater impact on patient progress than did opioids, spine surgery, or non-pharmaceutical treatments.
The #1 Obstacle to Effective Listening
Sam is convinced that the clock is his enemy, and much of the western world is in the same fight. But what if our perception of how much time we actually have is very skewed? I’ve begun to get curious about the way I prioritize my own time, and how those choices impact the effectiveness of my own listening.
Two Assumptions on Time that Impact Listening, & How to Dismantle Them!
Assumption 1. I’m running late: This one makes me tense, irritable and extremely un-present. It can also be dangerous, especially when I’m driving. Instead of rushing around like a crazy person, I can:
- Front-load my morning the night before -Yeah your mom probably told you this, mine did too and they were right: gather the stuff you need the night before so you don’t have to waste time and mind-space dealing with it in the morning.
- Set that alarm for 15 minutes earlier – and use the first 10 minutes to meditate! I’ve learned that the way I start my morning often determines the quality of my entire day. Meditating lets me slow down, tune in, and get present right from the start.
Assumption 2. The people I love need more time from me than I have:
I’m the only introvert in a household of extraverts. It’s taken me awhile to understand that I don’t have to feel “under siege” when they need to verbally process something. Instead, I can:
- Manage my time constraints: I can clearly ask for a finite span of time to complete something so that I can turn my full attention to them. And I can be honest about how much time I can offer them in order to listen more completely.
- And about that amount of time…. Simon Sinek’s brilliant short video helps us understand that our relationships will deepen if we are willing to offer our complete empathic attention for only 8 minutes!
So Sam, that leaves you 12 more minutes to ask questions, diagnose and concoct your treatment plan!
With a few small consistent adjustments, we might discover we have all kinds of time to connect, sink in, and deeply listen.
Curious what kind of listener you might be? Sign up for a quick Discovery session with me HERE Check out my Award winning book: Head, Heart & Hands Listening in Coach Practice