“Patricia” is a brilliant colleague who will NOT stop talking. Do you know someone like this? A group of us drove with Patricia for 3 hours to an educational event, and she proceeded to carry on her 1-way “conversation” for the entire drive. I kept wondering how she was able to continue this stream of consciousness without taking any discernible breaths or asking for any responses whatsoever from the rest of us.
I know a bit more about her now, and it’s apparent that Patricia simply can’t stand silence. In a family with five siblings, chances are she was raised in a household that rarely contained silence. She might have experienced it (as many of us did growing up) as highly uncomfortable; frequently passive-aggressive and loaded with unspoken negativity.
We often associate silence with punishment of some kind. “Solitary confinement” and “time outs” are terms that indicate a detox period after doing something wrong. Silence is unnerving for many of us.
Americans are Allergic to Silence!
In Susan Scott’s newly revised and groundbreaking book “Fierce Conversations”, she has an insightful chapter devoted to silence, and shares what she discovered on a web site for Finnish exchange students: “An especially American characteristic is general discomfort with silence in conversations, homes, working places”.
We have acquired a reputation as a people who can’t stop talking…and therefore has trouble truly listening. Our culture often rewards the loudest and most persistent voices, but with so much noise and all of us talking “at” each other, how are we supposed to hear ourselves think? And if we can’t think – can’t really consider an issue or a question more deeply than our off-the-cuff remarks….then how can we contribute to a conversation in a way that truly adds value? It often seems to me that the higher the stakes of an issue, and the more emotionally charged the group input, the greater the chances that we completely stop listening to each other. Much of what we say and how we communicate has become quick, shallow and predictable.
Space for Silence leads to Trust
Businesses need a high degree of predictability to function as profitable entities and to mitigate risk….but if we apply those same predictability standards to the quality of our discussions and interactions with our working colleagues…. we have greatly INCREASED the risk that important input is not entering into the conversation, and the level of authenticity, curiosity and depth of learning is greatly reduced. Yes, often we do need to simply “cut to the chase” in many of our business interactions… but all of them? I think not.
Many people have a difficult time contributing meaningfully to discussions that are fast, loud and forced to the surface. The problem isn’t just the classic introvert/extrovert dynamic, though silence-free interactions can be fairly toxic for introverts. The issue has more to do with the absence of interactive space in which to form deeper questions and elicit richer input from a more nuanced level of understanding.
We tend to look at silence as the absence of something besides sound: a lack of ideas, content, expertise. It’s also possible to assume that silence connotes intimidation, which could be the fuel behind many a volume-driven meeting. Instead of problem solving and answer seeking, conversation is reduced to yet another opportunity to solidify or gain status, simply by never allowing for pause or reflection.
So let’s say you truly need your team’s input on strategic planning, managing change, or innovative ways to tackle a tricky problem. You know that in order to get their best insights, you need for them to dig more deeply into the issue at hand. Structuring some silence into the discussion can be a critical tool in accessing high quality, authentic interactions and collaborative creativity.
Try These Silence Strategies
Start with Silence:
Schedule the meeting for 15 minutes earlier than the needed start time. Post the question/issue/topic where everyone can see it. As people enter into the room, (or online forum), ask people to take this time to think about and write down their first unedited association with the question, rather than conversing in small talk prior to the official start of the meeting. Their response doesn’t have to be more than one word, it doesn’t even have to be on topic – but using the time prior to the actual discussion to get quiet and access unedited responses will begin the meeting on a more focused note and offers the opportunity to set a tone for more thoughtful engagement. If people are not comfortable debriefing those responses, that’s fine, the point of this technique is that they have created space in silence to actually come up with their responses. Debriefing these associations, however, could provide interesting information, (depending on the trust level in the group) for going forward into the question at hand.
Take a Breathing Break:
Establish ground rules at the beginning of a discussion that incorporate silence as a part of the interactive tool kit. Let everyone know, for instance, that behaviors like interrupting a speaker, profanity, etc. will be followed by a period of silence to let the group breathe and begin again in a more productive manner. Laura Janusik, a listening researcher with her company Listening to Change, suggests the Native American custom of the Talking Stick: whoever has the stick is the only one to speak, and the stick is transferred to the next speaker in silence.
Islands of Silence:
At agreed-upon discussion intervals, suggest that the group sit in silence for a designated amount of time – a minimum of 60 seconds. This puts some “air” into the conversation, and allows people to assess what they would like to offer going forward. These “islands of silence” slows the pace, and provides a chance to gain perspective. You can encourage participants to note on paper, in these silences, anything that comes up for them as insights, ideas, or even naming their emotional reactions to what has occurred to this point.
Silence Prompts:
Have a set of prompts handy, in the form of slips of paper, or a variety of physical items or online texts, that demand some silence in order to effectively engage.* If the discussion has become repetitive, have everyone choose one of these prompts.
*The Observation and Question prompts in the Random Factors, part of Shift/POV – a facilitator tool I developed some years ago for group process- provides 30 excellent opportunities to get quiet, expand perspective, make observations and access deeper insights.
Create TIme to Take it in:
Encourage, (and model) the use of silence by any of the participants in the group as a way to clarify a question or a thought, or as a way to truly take in the weight/effect/ramifications of what someone has just relayed. For example, if Rick has introduced some startling news about a high-impact personnel change on his management team, and new hire training will slow the progress of an idea put forward by the group, you, or another participant can call for some silence to take in the effects of this news. Have a standard phrase like: “I need a moment to let this sink in”.
Silent Observations:
Experiment with silences at designated intervals as opportunities for the group to observe and record how they feel about the quality of their contributions to this point, and whether they need to make some adjustments to their input. Ask them to write down what they remember of others’ input, and to make note of any body language or facial expressions that might indicate how their communication was received.
In the same way that a musical score requires silence for emphasis and allows for deeper experience of the music, a working team can benefit greatly in “scoring some silence” into these business interactions. Introduce some of these techniques as a way to “re-educate” a group to get past their fear and resistance to silence. The benefits of consistent application will result in a healthier working intimacy, renewed respect among members, and a quality often in short supply in our culture: deeper trust.
Taking It Home:
I want to end this post with a recent discovery of a more personal nature.
My 20-something daughter came into the kitchen a few nights ago. I was prepping supper, and to my surprise – she offered to help…just out of the blue, unsolicited by me.
My daughter struggles, as so many in her generation do, with anxiety and mild, but very persistent depression. For her to volunteer this way was unusual, so I said something like: “You’re in a good mood! Nice nap?”
She paused for a second, and then relayed to me that earlier in the day she had been listening to an episode of Emma Chamberlain’s podcast Anything Goes where she talks with Dr. Anna Lembke about her new book “Dopamine Nation”. What stuck with her is the idea that constantly tapping into social media gives us little hits of dopamine and that we, as a culture, and her generation in particular, have become addicted to these dopamine hits such that it has become very very difficult for people to create their own joy without e-stimulation.
“So I decided to go on a device fast today, just to see how I would feel.” She relayed as she cut the onions.
“No checking TikTok, no music to tune stuff out, and not listening to any when I took my nap either. Just…silence.”
I had to ask “So how do you feel?”
“Way better!”
“Whoa.” was all I could say.
“And maybe tonite” she continued “We don’t watch Ted Lasso and just hang out on the couch together and read.”
“Great idea!” I said…and then I remembered.
It’s the final two episodes of the final season and I want to find out what happens to Ron and Keeley…and if Ted is really going back to Texas…and…
Whatever.
We spent our evening on the couch…in silence…reading.
And enjoyed dopamine hits of our own.
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