My meditation this morning was about fractals. For some reason, fractals have always fascinated me. From a galaxy’s graceful arc to the delicate veins of a leaf, nature weaves its design with fractal precision. These patterns, repeating themselves at various scales, find their mirror in human behavior. Much like the fractals that permeate the natural world, our habits too reflect this similarity – from the constructive routines we strive to cultivate to the detrimental cycles we seek to break.
Coaching is a way to help redesign one’s Behavioral Fractals
I recently worked with a team manager in a large real estate company. “Tara” is young, personable, conscientious and very skilled. Yet, in listening to her, I could tell that she struggles with perfectionism and negative internal beliefs that place her self care concerns last in order of priority. These patterns play out at different scales across her personal and professional experience. She is also the mother of a toddler and contemplating having another child while continuing her full time position. As any parent can tell you, small children produce their own chaotic fractals that collide repeatedly with an adult’s already established patterns. Tara has come to realize that unless she can find a way to strengthen her mental resiliency, simplify her schedule, and redesign her own behavioral habits, a second child, however much she may desire one, may prove to be too much for her to handle.
Tara’s Behavioral Fractals
1. Perfectionism
In Tara’s Positive Intelligence (PQ) profile, the Stickler showed up as Tara’s primary internal saboteur. (“Saboteurs” are our habitual defense mechanisms that were erected in childhood as a way to cope with stress and powerlessness. As one enters into adulthood however, the saboteurs have very negative impacts on our work, our relationships, our quality of life. )
I have found, through the course of my coaching, that the Stickler is an insidious mental habit that is particularly common with young women intent on building a career. The underlying belief in the Stickler is that one must be perfect from Day One. Mistakes and “stupid” questions must be avoided at all costs.
The behavioral fractals that result from the Stickler’s perfectionism can isolate Tara and prohibit her from asking for the help she needs from colleagues and supervisors. They can also trigger feelings of being an “imposter” in her leadership role. They can smother her authenticity as well as her creativity. This toxic fractal can play out across her personal life as well, and prevent her from clarifying what she needs from her husband, and standing firm on those needs as they decide together whether or not to have a second child.
2. Self-Sacrifice
In our sessions, Tara outlined the goal of more regular exercise as one of her self care goals. This is a positive behavioral fractal that will, if applied consistently, help produce the feelings of calm and well-being that Tara yearns for. But her underlying habit of self-sacrifice in the form of another saboteur, The Pleaser, has Tara consistently putting her own needs last. As this behavioral fractal plays out, she finds herself exhausted at the end of her day, and she puts off yet again any exercise plans for the next morning, or postpones them to the weekend. Then her Stickler’s perfectionistic fractal reinforces the idea that if she is too weak and too disorganized to stick to the plan, she shouldn’t even try to get any exercise at all.
3. Distraction
Even though Tara and her husband both make what most people would consider to be good money, she feels challenged to live within her means. When we dig into what might underlie this issue, yet another saboteur is revealed….Restless.
The distractive qualities of Restless will be familiar to many of us living in western cultures. With all of our devices, the FOMO they produce, with all of our consumer choices, and the decision-fatigue so many of us experience, it is possible that Restless is our number one cultural saboteur. The underlying belief in Restless is that life is short and must be lived to the fullest. On the surface, this is hard to argue with, but the behavioral fractals that result can be detrimental to our relationships, our productivity, the quality of our lives.
Think of the 2022 Oscar winning movie “Everything, Everywhere, All at Once”. Even the title can produce anxiety in many of us. Living a life in constant fear of missing out can trap us on the surface of our experience; constantly looking for something better, more attractive, more interesting.
In Tara’s case, because her perfectionistic and self sacrificing fractals left her so mentally depleted, she was trying to make herself feel better through an all-too-common coping pattern – online shopping. She was in the habit of taking her lunch hour at her desk, and filling that hour with a sandwich, her ice tea…. and a side of Amazon.
Once Tara could recognize her specific saboteur-driven behavior fractals, we could begin to dismantle them and replace them with more positive and productive habits. Catching ourselves is a negative fractal is not easy, but like any muscle, it gets stronger with practice. Tara found the simple application of PQ reps to be particularly helpful as a quick and easy practice she could apply without anyone else knowing about it!
Coaching – Negative Behavioral Fractals Get a Do-Over
If we can imagine a life as an intricate tapestry of colorful threads and distinctive patterns, we can look at the repeating fractals in our experience as producing certain outcomes – desired and not so desired. Think of coaching as a source of life tapestry repair: some of the fractal patterns need to be redesigned through careful questioning, attention, and consistent practice so that, when replicated, they produce wiser choices and better outcomes.
Working with a coach is not a quick or easy process, but everyone, yes everyone, deserves to work with a skilled and attentive mental artisan who can help reweave torn threads and redesign our habits to produce the results we desire.
Curious about whether Positive Intelligence coaching can help you? Start with the quick and easy Saboteur assessment, and then book a FREE Discovery session here!