It’s happening… even up here in the chilly northeast. The snow falls and melts away before we can argue about who’s turn it is to shovel. I woke up to cardinals signaling loudly to the ladies at the first kiss of dawn. Springtime is singing softly, and her voice will get louder as the sunlight strengthens.
And how about you? Are you able to shake off your own “winter blues”? Or the Covid “blahs”? Or the tax time “Ughs”? If so, good for you and keep going!
I know for myself, this can be a tricky time. As the natural world wakes up, it’s more difficult somehow, to shake off self recrimination for To-Do’s not yet done. Old mistakes I thought I’d dealt with are again staring me in the face in the early hours. It’s good to remember self compassion in these times. It’s good to remember that I have a choice in how to respond. And it’s very helpful to name and in the naming, put some distance between myself and my internal saboteurs – who love to pounce when I’m feeling less than who I really am.
I’ve been writing here about the Positive Intelligence (PQ) model. So far, we’ve tackled the internal critic nastiness of The Judge, and busted The Avoider, and next we get to confront The Controller.
By now, you might be a little curious about which of the nine saboteurs are operating in you. They make a very interesting line-up.
I invite you to take, for FREE, a very short and quite revealing Saboteur Assessment to find out which of these bad boys are tripping you up.
A note about the Saboteurs: they are each composed of positive strengths and attributes that are pushed beyond productivity into imbalance and disfunction.
The Controller is ubiquitous – everyone’s got one lurking somewhere. Why? Because the foundation of The Controller is FEAR.
We can see The Controller at work in our own lives whenever fear gets triggered. Along with the excitement of the New: new opportunities, new relationships, new adventures… comes a very ancient force that is bent on Protection. The Controller is front and center in the March To Protect.
The damage The Controller can do to our lives, relationships, careers and psyches can be as awful as the damage done to countries invaded by paranoid and ruthless dictators determined to protect their self interest. We can see the destruction played out all across the globe.
This saboteur does not rank high in my personal assessment, but it is in the list and I’m starting to think that she comes out in certain contexts – not so much professionally for me, but definitely at home.
I’ve been called a neat freak. I’ve even taken a bit of pride in that. I’ve lived much of my adult life in small places, condos, apartments, and I have an abhorrence of clutter! My Controller thinks she protects me against having to waste time looking for – name anything: keys, glasses, paperwork ETC. I simply can’t tolerate spending precious minutes looking for this crap. This makes me a bit tough to live with, I’ve been told. It also backfires on the “saved time” goal as I have been known to spend way too much of it puttering and tweaking, particularly when I have a Big Project LOOMING……
I’ve also worked for Controllers, and I bet you have too. They are often put into management positions because, among other qualities, they are so sure of themselves.
Many of the doctors I have coached were sent to me by hospital systems in crisis due to the repeated turnover of staff who could not tolerate working for these highly skilled and valuable individuals.
See if any of these qualities feel familiar to you….
- Strong need to control and take charge
- Connects with others through competition, challenge, and conflict
- Comes alive when doing the impossible and beating the odds
- Surprised when others get hurt, take offense or get angry
- Feels very anxious when things are not going their way
- Is convinced that they alone know the best way forward.
If you suspect you may have this saboteur operating inside your psyche, (and again, you can take the quick assessment here), you may find yourself continually frustrated by other people’s resistance to your directions, ideas, management. Your relationships may feel fractious and full of arguments. The resentment around you may play out in overt rebellion or quiet passive-aggression.
There are five Sage powers outlined in the PQ model: Empathize, Explore, Innovate, Navigate, and Action, Controllers would do well to be coached through the following strategies:
Empathize and acknowledge oneself for trying to do the very best you can, and inspire others to do their best as well. And acknowledge the essential goodness of your protective instincts.
Explore how others would like to contribute to the efforts you are trying to inspire. Openly ask how best you might assist them in these efforts.
Innovate and allow yourself to have some fun engaging others in solutions you may not have thought of.
Navigate and widen your perspective about what is truly important by asking yourself “At the end of my life, how will I feel about this situation?”
Activate a plan that others can buy into, thereby increasing the likelihood of success through everyone’s investment – not just yours.
It all looks so nice and organized sitting there on the page, doesn’t it? (My “Stickler” is pleased) But don’t be fooled. Putting this model to use takes practice.
And that’s where the PQ operating system comes in.
Sign up here for a free session and I’ll show you how it works!